Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Wonky Sign

I could see my Boss and Lovely Warden in the distance, working by the newly erected kiosk. I braked to a gentle stop beside them and wound down the window.

"We're just putting up the new sign," explained my Boss, somewhat redundantly, given the massive red board he was holding.

I squinted at it and tried tilting my head, first to one side, then the other. No, whichever way you looked at it, the wording wasn't level.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"Um....I'm just proof-reading it...."

"Well I took the prices off your sheet," he said, testily.

I didn't have the heart to break the news that the myriad price options, while correct, were all wonky.

"I'm sure it'll be fine when it's finished," I smiled. "I'd best get back down to the house."

McColleague was awaiting my return. She had a surplus of duck eggs to be eaten up, so I had volunteered to buy bread and cress while on my trip to town, and make eggy sandwiches for everyone on my return. We stood in my kitchen, shelling the hard-boiled duck eggs. "I saw the Boss at the top," I said. "He's made the sign."

"Is it bad?"

"Yes, it's really wonky. Plus there's a big bubble in the paintwork he kept trying to smooth out with his thumb. And you could see where he's gone wrong earlier and peeled some letters off and then stuck others on top, so it all looks blurry."

McColleague nodded. We both expected as much.

As it was such a glorious day we took our plate of eggy sandwiches to the bench by the moat, to while away our lunch break. We heard a car approaching down the drive and looked up.

"Here he comes," I said.

"Must have given up on the signs."

The Boss stopped his car when he drew level with our bench. Out he stepped, fingers automatically reaching for his baccy and papers, rolling a fag on autopilot, as he always does when he goes from inside to outside.

"I really should wear my glasses more often," he announced. "Bloody sign was fine while I was working on it, but when I stepped back it was all wonky."

McColleague and I glanced at each other, then quickly away again.

"Was it?"

"Yes. And I buggered up some of the letters too. Had to order new ones now."

He looked quite downcast. "I thought I could maybe saw a bit off the sign, to level it out, but no joy."

"Have an eggy sandwich," I suggested, brandishing the plate his way. He brightened up a bit at this and joined us on the bench.

We munched thoughtfully together. We heard the sound of the Gator approaching. Lovely Warden drove up behind our bench, with an off-road kind of flourish.

"Sign's all wonky," said the Boss.

"Did you try sawing some off the bottom?" asked Lovely Warden.

"No, it's too wonky for that."

"Eggy sandwich?" I offered the plate to Lovely Warden.

We all sat and chewed for a while.

"I'll knock something up on the computer for now," I said.


cogidubnus said...

I gather your boss is a Lindisfarne fan then (The Bog on the Sign is mine all mine....")


Anonymous said...

So let's get this straight. You sat by the moat, watching the ducks, EATING THEIR EGGS ...

Child murderers ...

Robert Swipe said...

Why do I hear the phrase "Eggy sandwich" as being spoken by Hattie Jacques to Deryck Guyler?

Brilliant stuff!

If you didn't make the cut on the blog relief book Doris, you should've...

L.U.V. on ya,


Doris said...

Thank you, Bob, I am a great admirer of Hattie. When you heard the phrase "eggy sandwich" in your head, was it accompanied by tuba music?

And, no, for some unfathomable reason I didn't make it into the book.....(sound effect: sad "Wah wah wah waaaaaah" on the trumpet. Or the tuba if you prefer it Hattie Jacques stylie).