Friday, March 30, 2007

The News in Brief



Two geese set up residence on the moat. They are very noisy. They make honking noises that rival the alarm system for startling me out of bed in a "what in the yellow rubbery fuck was that?" kind of way. They also do enormous poo. They may come to a bad end.



Froggy love has happened. It looks like an explosion in a tapioca factory out there. I had to shovel spawn into the moat from where some horny toads had peaked too soon, before they reached the water. Dirty amphibians.



Dead mole found on back drive, in comedy "I am so dead" pose. Kept it to prove to the gardener that the cats do more than just shit in the flowerbeds.



HR department sends all staff a cardboard folder in which to file their important self developmental paperwork. I am going to customise mine. I am thinking of writing the word "arrested" on it, after the word "my", in crayon. Or something. Suggestions?

15 comments:

cogidubnus said...

So "the geese"..."may come to a bad end"...why?...how?...who?...read on...

Dare I suggest they might perhaps try to avoid strolling along the "back drive" like the poor mole, the squirrel and the sheep?

Should the frogs and their spawn feel threatened?

Is this "back drive" a polite euphemism for Doris's Death Camp"?
Oh dear...I don't think I'd fancy being Little Brown Calf or one of his mates...

Is M'Colleague by any chance really named Hilary Briss? I think we all ought to know these things!

Ginny said...

Hmm. Development. So many options.

Arrested *
Project Continually Under *
Brilliant but *-entally Challenged Career

Do HR people the world over all go to the same workshops to learn how to generate hopeful euphemisms?

Here's a link from a local friend's blog that may help you put career thoughts into perspective:

Five Minutes to Kill Yourself

I can't control my little guy well and so failed to kill myself in the alloted time, and was thus forced to attend yet another boring meeting with a PowerPoint presentation.

Doris said...

Ah, Cogidubnus, I would never run over a goose! Or a mole! Well, not intentionally. I accept that to the casual onlooker it does look a bit like the killing fields around my house, but I assure you that That's Just Nature For You (get out of jail free card no. 4)

cogidubnus said...

Nope - That's just Nature" was "Get out of Jail Card No. 2" - Number 4 was something do do with organic stuff (like bullshit!)...

stitchwort said...

Re Development - Chest?

Doris said...

Hello, Ginny and thanks for the link, that game was fantastic! So far I have failed to kill myself so I foresee some kind of addiction developing until I succeed.

Yes, I think HR people are much of a muchness, regardless of where they work or for whom. I will post the fruits of my labours once I have finished my folder customisation!

Doris said...

Cogi - you are quite right, I cannot count. I am on the white wine as we speak and therefore doubling my digits, as it were.

Doris said...

Stitchwort - funny you should say that, it was my very first thought. I saw "My Development" emblazoned on the folder and immediately wondered if it contained reassuring diagrams and a foreword from Claire Rayner.

cogidubnus said...

Doris...forgiven (as ever)...

As it happens I'm on the 9% lagers as we speak and suspect that shortly I shall be SEEING double digits (eat your heart out Mr Churchill) and shan't be able to do anything with either of them...as it were

Anonymous said...

Ok, "of my chest" has been had. Let's just put these on the back step and see if the cat licks them up:
1....from innocent schoolgirl into baby bah lamb and squirell slaughterer, By Dr. Doris Death.
2....of a Zyclon B eradication system and associated furnace installations for all Human Resources staff, By Doris Von Nastygas III.
3....bad. You development good. Me belong dead, you belong life, By Doris Karloff.
4....of a sandcastle and other things I did on my summer holidays, by Doris Sparrow, aged 4.
5...., Chicago is, my kind of development, Chicago is, By Doris Blue Eyes.
Or...
6....,my geese, my bats, my lambs, my toads, my moat, my great hall, my manor house. It's mine, I tell you. ALL MINE (manic laughter), By Doris Strangelove.

Just a thought or two?
Love. x

Doris said...

Anonymous - those are *excellent*!

I think my favourite is number 3. I shall get busy with a marker pen.

Boz said...

'My dry rot development'?

I'm sure that would put and end to it pretty quickly.

Anonymous said...

There are three great lies in life: *

1. The cheque's in the post.
2. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
3. Hello, I'm from Human Resources and I'm here to help.



* Actually, there's a fourth, but that's not for a family blog.

Anne said...

Just getting back after some time away. We have a lot wild of geese here in the Land of Pleasant Living. At this time of year they're preparing to make one of their picturesque epic journeys--but they'll all be back in October. A word of warning: Goose poo is really, really slippery. Really. It's also--well, green.

Doris said...

Hello Anne - yes, the poo is big, green and annoyingly present in all the areas one would want to walk, or sit.

The bad end beckons....