Sunday, July 08, 2007

But surely those signs don't apply to me?

11am, an hour before we open.

I am getting the house ready, taking off the bat covers and checking the loos are clean. I spy three men the other side of the moat, walking towards the gatehouse.

I head over to the gatehouse myself. They are just the other side of the heavy oak door. I can hear their voices. I open the door, which momentarily surprises them.

“Hello! I’m afraid we don’t open until 12.”

“Yes, I know. It's ok. I’ve been before, I’m just showing these two round.”

“Right. But I’m afraid we don’t open until 12, as it clearly says on the signs on all the gates you’ve come through.”

He decides to go for the cheeky chappie approach.

“Have we woken you up? Were you having a lie-in?”

“No. I am busy getting the house ready for when we open at 12. In the meantime I’m going to have to ask you to leave the premises until then, for health and safety reasons.”

“Health and safety, eh? That gets everywhere these days doesn’t it?”

“Yes. It does. Are you members?”


“Right. Well if you want to visit the house you’ll need to go back to the car park and come through our ticket office, where you can buy an admission ticket.”

“There was nobody there.”

“No, that’s because we don’t open until 12.”

“We’ll be long gone by then.”

“’Oh, I’m sure you will. Enjoy your free visit.”


stitchwort said...

Oh, so much better if the "health and safety reasons" had been a slavering Cerberus, unfed and recently irritated.
And after your fair warning, they had been savaged.

angelfeet said...

He's so keen to show people round - perhaps he should become a volunteer.

Miss Despina said...

Hello there Doris.
If you've got a minute today, get yourself over to Miss Despina, because you've won an award! (I apologise in advance for the lack of gift voucher.)

Doris said...

Stitchwort - I have a slavering dog who has rolled in something unsavoury. That's quite a deterrent and I'm not afraid to use him.

Hello Angelfeet! A good point. A pity he seemed more concerned with what he could take for free rather than what he could give.

Miss Despina - Woo! Thank you very much!

Miss Despina said...

Are you going to display your super shiny award for all to see and then pass it onto 5 other bloggers?

Doris said...


Pissy Missy said...

May I suggest razorwire on the fences, auto-fire gun turrets (human conscience tends to get in the way when firing on trespassers), bear traps et al? I think the Health and Safety message may become clearly apparent fairly rapidly, even to the uninitiated (oh yes, and the stupid, inconsiderate and illiterate).